Paris waiters never see me

Art has taken his son this week to the French Open tennis championships of Roland Garros.
And the evening before visiting the matches Art and his son visit a nice French terrace, to have a few drinks.
Art has been in France many times and he has made preparations:
- he managed his son in an ironic way about the 'gentle politeness of the Parisiens',
- he warns about paying 8 Euro for a cappuccino on some terraces
- he explains the diverse delicacies that for some other countries might appear a bit strange, like the tail of a pig etc.
- he explains that you should make sure not to end up in French procedures, police issues and formal requests

Still, Paris has many beautiful places and Art loves to spend his time there.
And Roland Garros is a great opportunity to combine it with watching some nice tennis.

When going to the cafe Art took a special wooden sign with him.
After sitting on the terrace for 10 minutes and not being able to attract the attention of the waiter, Art Burshy raises his wooden sign with in capital letters '2 BIERES' and in smaller letters below 'S.V.P.' as you always need to remain polite.

His son looks puzzled and asks him why he brought the sign.
Art explains him that he just has this experience where waiters do not seem to see him.
This happens everywhere, but Art has somehow experienced this more often in Paris.

Art starts explaining about the type of waiters he knows:
There is (a) the waiter that - just when you drink the last part from your glass of wine - stand next to you and offer you to top it up.
And there is (b) the waiter where you are lucky if - after raising your hand for half an hour - they finally see you and after a sigh finally with a sour face ask if they can get you something.

And now his sons attention has been raised Art sees this as an opportunity to explain that this is not unique to waiters; it happens everywhere, but with waiters it becomes clear quite quickly.

Art explains that in many companies there are:

a. the motivated enthusiastic team workers
They are almost always joyful, try to make sure the customer gets serves first, feels accountable for the whole company's performance, is not afraid to do tasks that fall outside his job description and wants to learn more and more. Their focus seems to be more on giving, and having confidence that in the end life will treat them well for it.

b the 'you-should-be-happy-I-work-here' employees with a focus on entitlement
These generally leave no chance unused to check if they are really getting what they deserve; they actually feel they exceed every quality standard and are so exceptional that they deserve to be exceptionally rewarded. If things do not go well they can very well explain that this is the fault of others. And if they do not get what they think they are entitled to, they often start showing diva behaviour.

His son nods. Although it is not clear whether he does it to confirm his understanding, or just to avoid making the conversation on this topic even longer.
Then the waiter actually comes and asks what they want.
"Well, 2 beers I would say..." Art says while pointing at the sign.
"Sure" says the waiter "but 'bieres' is misspelled, it should be with an accent grave on the first 'e' ".
Art does not react, he then orders the beers and also a coke for his son.

And when the waiter has just left to get their drinks, his son says
"well dad, why don't you explain your vision to this waiter..."
Art says "sorry son, what I have learnt in all these years is...never to argue with a Parisian when you still need him".

How to raise your parents

Art Burshy is reading a book about how-to-raise-kids, while his daughter is sitting on the couch with her smart phone. At some point she looks up and asks what he is reading.

When Art thinks about it...his daughter might actually be right; maybe it is better to educate children about how to deal with their parents.
Kids also have the greater incentive: autonomy. Parents just want their kids to be calm and obedient, which does not necessarily incentivise them to be open minded for looking at other approaches.
And actually adults are just big children that have lost the wonderment, and have grown into limited patterns that align with their desire to have continuity of life, lust and income.

Basically insanity and dysfunction gets passed on from generation to generation.
When a parent is traumatised by his own parents he/she will have developed own dysfunctional patterns, that will in its turn screw up the minds of his/her children. Maybe that dysfunction is different (i.e. a reaction to) from the parent's parent, but still it is there.
So the only intervention is actually to teach children to raise their parents.
By the way it is funny to see how many parents look at schools, and blame them for not providing a safe and good educational environment, where actually the largest issue is not how much can kids learn, but how much can we reduce their dysfunctional behaviour and help them become happy.

So Art starts imagining which elements could be in a book; examples of items kids would need to know about parents could be things like:
- you can not direct your parents as somehow they have access to power over your life and decisions, and access to money. That's why you need to coach them.
- do not assume parents act logical or make sensible decisions. Parents take strange decisions based on frustrations, feelings, and dysfunctional behaviour. They will always present the decisions as logical so that children do not see how much nonsense it all is, and how illogical.
- probably manipulation is the best instrument; in psychology it means 'using means to influence people, without those people being aware'. It is generally better than a frontal puberty-revolution.
- reward your parents for good behaviour with what they consider good: being calm, appearing intelligent in front of other people, show gratefulness and compliment them. And most importantly laugh at the jokes of your father.
- build an inventory of your parents own values and statements, so you can feed them back whenever it fits your own agenda.
- look at which friends your parents identify with, learn about them, adore them and use them to bring important messages and learning points to your parents.

Actually, more and more Art starts believing in the sense of making such a book.
Children are not yet spoilt, they still absorb and the book would clearly and quickly demonstrate to be helpful and effective.
Of course, one tiny detail keeps bothering Art; what if the parents read the book and understand how they have been manipulated...would they be adult enough to accept it, or would they destroy the beautiful harmony that has been created by their children through implementing the book's lessons...?

Even an artist has things to do

Art is on his way to the airport to pick up his wife and youngest kid...
A car in front of him waits a few seconds after the trafic light is green, and then slowly pulls up...
Art Burshy tries to make himself calm, but he can't help this time...
He opens the car window and yells to the car before...
knowing the man will not hear him...
or maybe hoping the man will not hear him, because what would happen if the man got our of his car?!!


In fact Art is aware that he is completely unreasonable...yelling at a car for pulling up a few seconds too slow...
And artists are supposed to be calm, they are supposed to have all the time in the world, they are thought to have slowed down their pace and fill their lives with reflection and search for beauty...


And sure Art has tried to calm himself down, slow down the pace and reduce expectations that were given to him in this culture and by his parents.
He has already forma long time identified many patterns in his behaviour that were far from beautiful and stood in fact in the way of happiness.


So Art has replaced patterns and habits by better patterns and new behaviour.
Actually he hopes that more people would do that; reflect on their patterns that do not make sense and try to replace them.
- like Art feels that everyone in their small circle seems happy, but still complains about the country, about the government. If they would replace complaining by sharing positive comments they would notice how ridiculously often they complain
- like Art sees many people blaming others at work for their own lack of success...sure it's safe and it is a way to put the blame outside yourself, and not accept the real choice you have: a) accept it, b) change it or c) avoid it and take another route/job. Why not next time of failure think of one thing you will do better next time?
- like managers trying to control their team in every detail, removing the most important aspects of obtaining maximum results: inspiration. Only by sharing a goal, and allowing a person to find his way towards that goal you obtain sustainable results. Trust, and let the people tell you how they would like to report about progress and issues.
- like people voting for populist politicians that promise everything and then be disappointed in politics as 'nothing ever gets better'.
- like artists complaining that critics do not understand them, and that they just refuse to see the amazing talent of the artist...
- or Art notices how often parents need to repeat to their kids that they did something wrong...like if the kids were stupid or deaf...When kids make mistakes they know, no need to make it a trauma, just tell them once how you would expect them to deal with it next time, and offer to help them.


Maybe in some way Art Burshy's biggest dysfunctional pattern is that he complains about people complaining...


Another thing is that deeper patterns never really go away. Art has noticed that he thought he had overcome certain bad habits, until....the pressure around him became more pressing than ever, and he observed himself make the same mistakes again.


Well, as said, Art is on his way to pick up his wife, his girl, his muse...he is longing to see her and has still some 5 minutes margin. And probably she will understand if he is 5 minutes late...so probably he has all the time to get theree...
still, Art can't help it...he wants to move on...he wants to embrace her and have fun wis his baby-son... So he yells again "everyone move over and let me through, I have important things to do!!!"

My baby loves my art

Art Burshy is passionate when it comes to involving children in art.
Making and understanding art can teach many things, about how things really work, and about how to really live your life. A state of mind of which Art feels it is getting more scarce in this world.

Art is a symbol of freedom to follow your own pattern and pace; and for kids this is good to know in many situations:
- it is not terrible if you can not follow the pace at school, it doesn't make you less of a person. And actually Art feels that people in reality only use 10% of what they have learnt in school. And most people are mainly limited by their skills to communicate, not by their amount of factual knowledge.
- it is not a drama when you can not deal with computers or when you are not able to participate in the hundreds of social media forums...Art Burshy lived all his life without it and somehow manages to be happy, without being 'like'-d too much.
- you should not be afraid to let go of things when you struggle to keep up. Too many people for example stay in their jobs while it gets tougher and tougher, working harder and harder. But why?
Probably it is like the famous scientific test with frogs in water...when you put the frog directly in a tub of boiling hot water, he directly jumps out. But when you slowly increase the temperature, the frog stays in and will be boiled to death.
Basically people are not more intelligent than frogs, because when it comes to many things that ruin their lives, they just stay there as the disaster gets fed to them in small portions.

This also touches a popular pet peeve of Art Burshy (one of many, although he might not admit that himself).
His view about working hard and efficiency?
Well, say company A is not happy with how much money they make. 
They hire consultants telling them about the latest trends, and show them how to cut cost, improve efficiency and have less people do more through automation...this to offer services cheaper than competition and make a bigger margin...
and what happens when they succeed...?
Well then competitors hire the same consultants, and end up copying the 'successful' approach...cutting more cost and working even harder...
Result of all this? 
We all end up running harder, in the end for the same amount of money, or even lesssss...
Well, that was a short side track, but just an example why understanding art is important for children, to create an independent mind and the courage to challenge ones own convictions and habits.
And actually, Art feels you do not need to teach children a lot; basically they actually have all required implicit knowledge when being born.
They just tend to push it away because of all the bloody bullshit they get demonstrated and taught by grown-ups.

Then, this afternoon, after a session with his youngest child when showing him some art works, feeding him some art ideas....
this time his baby son took it a bit to literal...he actually started eating the art work...
And although Art Burshy has an open artistic mind...
this pushes it just a bit too far...
and for a moment it looks like it will almost make him angry...
but in he ends up with a smile on his face...
it was only his son getting carried away with one of his art works, that's not such a big deal.