you cant go out like that

When I ran into Art Burshy yesterday evening and asked about his day he sighed and a serious frown shaped his face while it lost its kindness.
The words that came out seemed to be pushed by a stronger force inside, sourced with a barely controlled anger and concern as he started his story.
The night before he had seen his daughter go out; she was going out with a new boy friend.
Sure, she had described the boy friend to him; he is a few years older and was very popular at school. He had doubled a class and was now in his last year.
Art had been pushing his prejudices away, wanting to trust the judgement of his daughter.
He had stopped himself asking how much older the boy was, because a 'few' years older can be in a range between 2 and 8 years... quite a difference (at least at this age).

In his imagination he had thought of several things to do:
- follow his daughter to check out the boy...what does he look like, how they are together...and maybe then then he would show up all of  a sudden and confront the boy with a BIG smile, shaking his hand firmly.
- search the boys address and pay him a visit with a clear low-voiced message: "if you hurt my daughter I will break your legs", or
- check out who his parents are, and call them with some questions...did the boy already talk about Art's daughter, or is this one of his many flirts...
But he pushed these ideas away as he knows this will not work in the end, ad\nd damage his relationship with his daughter.

But now he saw her just before she left he was shocked on how little she was wearing.
He lost his regular calmness, which normally allows him to explore and influence his daughter (at least that was what he told himself).
He threw out the words while noticing his own voice was louder than he had intended. But it was too late, the words had been said, and the tone had definitely had an effect on his daughter.
"You can't go out like that!!! All men are basically sexist manic perverts" seems to be what he had said.
Pretty heavy stuff for a self proclaimed open minded artist.
She became silent, and carefully selected her words when replying:
"But dad, you are a man yourself"
These words echoed in the room and Art realised he had lost more than just this battle of words.
His daughter, gifted with a sharp brain and sense of opportunity had hit a very delicate spot here, and selected the right mental-chess-move.
Either Art should take back his statement and saving his daughters image of him as a respectable value-driven father, far away from classifications related to sex, pervert subjects and manic behaviour. Or he would maintain his statement to warn her for mankind, while accepting the consequences of how she sees him.
Either way, in 5 minutes this could not be managed, just before sending her off on her way to a party-dance-and-whatever-more night.
So he did the only thing he could reasonably do; he said to her he had been too firm in his statement, that it would be good to talk about it later, and he wished her a wonderful night with her caring and gentleman-boy-friend. This is what she deserved, and he wanted to let her leave only with a great sense of confidence and expectations that would guide her behaviour and experience that night...

Looking back while both drinking a cold glass of liquid bread (the way we refer to beer), Art started reflecting on what happened.
Art has been young too, something which is hard to imagine for his kids. Behind the wrinkled bearded appearance of this artist lies the same soul of the little boy that had been uncertain and low in self confidence when he was young.
As a boy he had noticed what happened between boys and girls, and having had enough time to reflect on it, he had created his own theory.

Girls fall for self-confident boys, or in fact boys that act confident and are 'cool' or 'chill' or whatever term is used by youngsters at the time.
When boys are truly in love with a girl, especially when being young, the last thing they feel when being close to her is: confident. So generally girls spend 0 attention to these boys.
The boys who actually do not deeply love the girls, but fancy some sensual (and mostly sexual) experience, they do act confidently, and get the attention.
The girls adore these boys and somehow these boys get their girls to do much more than is good for them, or that fits with the level of sincere passion involved.

Sure, Art Burshy knows now that there could be exceptions, and he hopes he can raise his children to be confident and look for the right qualities in others. But still he observes the same mechanics in place nowadays. He heard that nowadays boys come up to girls in parties and rub their bodies against these girls, and these girls just have to accept it. Frequently multiple boys at the same time. It's like dry sex in a way.

Art feels sometimes like his own parents, when they had warned him for certain parties, for drinking alcohol and for sex-related fears. He does not want to feel like such an old-fashioned parent, but what-the-f**k...this is shockingly disrespectful and pushes daughters into a behaviour and view of their body that is not good, and undermines their sense of self.

And Art truly still feels that many (if not all) men have a deeper natural desire for sex.
 Deep down they have this sleeping hunting-instinct, and for example also Freud has clearly described this sort of subconscious mind-triggering instinct. And the only way to influence this mind-domination Art explained to me in a formula.

Art's drawing in the cafe
Replacing B by an atractive C

Say mans current situation is A, and his desired state is to reach sex (let's call that B).
Then the only way to prevent men to go to B is not to forbid it.
Generally forbidding things actually focuses the attention on the negative, creating even more triggers.
Like when you say "don't look down" to your kids when climbing a mountain. The first thing they do is look down below.
So the only way to prevent someone to go fro A to B is to provide a very attractive alternative C.
In case of men this traditionally could be religion and/or a sort of strong belief.
But better is if C would be a deeper love for a muse, a woman they truly adore.

The same philosophy about A-B-C he normally applies with his children.
If there is truly something that he feels is not good for them, he tries not to focus on that topic, and just provide a very attractive event C that will capture their attention.

But this requires a controlled state of mind, and clearly this night this was not the case, and he had destroyed more than ever his relationship.
Well, after drinks Art slided of his chair, crawling to get his coat and with low eye brows he started his long walk home.
I wish him wisdom and strength for the battles to come.

How it all started

Art has been looking for broadening his base of income as times are still not at a point where money comes flying in the door. In general he has observed that during times of crisis people are less willing to buy art of upcoming artists, and they mainly stick to the mainstream art that in their view will probably keep its value.

In general Art never really understood why people buy art as an investment, for several reasons:
- it is pure fiction to think that art will be a safe investment. Even if you look at the numbers some 80% of art never reaches the value for which it was sold. Maybe a bit better when you buy through major auction houses like Sotheby's (but even there only 50 % ever reaches the price that it was sold for.
- it is not the artist you are paying in most cases; you are paying the agent, the gallery and the 'brokers' that have cleverly invested in the piece of art that you happen to like. It is a self sustaining cycle of optimists (and opportunists) that keep telling each other how valuable the art works are. And it is actually quite sad for the artists that they often only receive very little of the actual price being paid.
Could you imagine what it is like as to see your art work being sold at Sotheby's for 200.000 and not receiving a dime of the money. Knowing that you had sold it at a friendly price a few years ago to a 'friend' who loved the painting and asked for for a nice price as a favour?
- art is more about the genuine story and expression it brings than the monetary value it represents. Ironic that part of the increasing prices raised have come from museums, at times when they were creating or enriching their collection. They invest huge amount of money to make these works of art available for everyone to see in the museum...

In general Art Burshy feels that people should buy art from the artist purely based on what appeals or speaks to them. Often you can learn from the artist how and why they make these art works, and it adds to the story and meaning that it has for the one who buys it.

That had been originally the reason that Art Burshy had started coaching people who wanted to buy a good and affordable piece of art, and advertised as an Art Coach in art related magazines. But despite a few successes and loads of gratefulness from his clients, he discovered that it did not bring him lots of money. And even an artist needs to eat, so he decided to extend his job to become a Life Coach.
When I asked about it, Art explained me that coaching about art and life is not so much different. Basically art is about people that go on a quest to discover life and make less compromises on the way. These people we call artists, but in fact they are the ones that truly live their dreams, and accept that as a consequence they give up on material wealth, keeping up appearances and other stuff that is attached to people's ego.
In addition Art noted that people only buy an art piece once every few years, where people that had screwed up their lives would need help for a longer time; so a more sustainable business case.

Art Burshy's new Life Coach business does attract some special type of people. They seem to come crawling from the deeper and hidden caves of society, hideouts that would make Al Quaida terrorists jealous.
And this morning Art had a new client; a man that came rolling in his office, hanging in a sort of device which he seemed to control with a joystick. The man started explaining how he had gotten in this situation, and all quite a dramatic story.
Art asked the man what he expected from a Life Coach, as he had observed many times that people nowadays project hope as well as failure onto anyone that is given a role in their lives.
The man said that he hoped he at some point could lead a normal life, be freed from his terrible dark thoughts and grumpiness, liberate him from being a victim of society as a whole, bring quality and joy in his life. The man wanted Art to deliver those things that everyone had promised him before, but had not been able to bring.

Art looked at the man for some time and wondered what was the best thing to do.

"Wow man, that's f*cked up! Don't think I or anyone else can help you. Hang in there dude..." he whispered with an understanding and humble smile on his face.

When Art told me all this I was flabbergasted...had Art gone insane, was he a heartless bastard, did he not care for the poor man and his miserable life?
Art however told me that he had done this on purpose.
Too many times people are comforted and told what they want to hear. And so many times this creates unrealistic expectations.
Sure, no person likes to crash the hopes of other people (maybe some psychopaths excluded). And as a consequence we tell patients a beautiful story, at best including something that should give the patient a hint of reality, but not too much, as we need to protect this unfortunate and fragile patient.

Art said he has seen the same happening in companies.
Poorly behaving and performing employees are tolerated because "it is actually not sooo bad", or "there are other problems that are bigger" or because managers do not really know how to bring the bad message, and they are afraid not-to-be-liked.
Consequence is that these people often live in their own happy world. And on the side the signal to other employees is that 'this behaviour is okay', and actually makes these people wonder why they are still doing their best. In the end in some 2 years these situations turn around the culture of a team, and sometimes of the whole company.
Instead one should a) give feedback, b) explain what you expect from the person and c) ask the person how he thinks he will get there, and which supports he needs on the way. Art has seen it work several times. And if it does not work? Then the story ends...

As a true artist our friend Art Burshy feels that people are entitled to hear the truth. Sure, they initially might not ask for it, they might not yet want to be awoken from their hopeful imaginary dream, but in the end only the truth will help them find their real way in life. Often what limits them in one part of their life, also ruins other parts of their lives, often without them knowing which behaviour is at the source of it all.

So, Art had decided to tell this man the truth:
- do not expect your coach to change the whole situation
- accept your situation and decide what you want to change, and where to lower your expectations
- give up feeling like a victim; it stands in the way of taking ownership
And Art would be happy to help the man, but only when he himself would first give up on all his projected expectations. When he would go back to a basic level of understanding and accepting his true situation, and then ready to rebuild a more healthy view of himself, the world around him and his journey forward. He should act like an artist. As a true artist dives into himself and into his own darkness, and comes out even more capable of sharing the brightness of the light and all its colours.

Salt is really bad for you

You will have noticed that Art has been on vacation for some time. He was in Greece and enjoyed the traditional Greek dishes. Well, in Athens all meals were fine and he would really enjoy the well-filled spanakopita, the nearly-burnt souvlakis and juicy moussakas. But after arriving on a small island, to be honest he did not so much appreciate the local delicacies, as it seemed that all fish and vegetables were thrown directly from the sea into a greasy and 'ripened' boiling oil. Also he felt that the meat balls and other meat dishes were made from the same very old, very dead and very dry goat.
In general Art is happy to eat a diversity of food, and always discovers special local dishes that are very tasty. In this case however he developed a habit of compensating the dishes with simple fresh vegetables, lots of brilliant olive oil and loads of salt. He would some evenings just love to take some bread and simply use it as a sponge to suck up a mix of oil and salt, and frequently adding garlic.

Now, being back home for some time, he somehow still kept some of the vacation habits. A breakfast with Greek yogurt (but not from Greece as it seems when you read the small letters on the wrapper) with a generous topping of tooth-aching sweet honey. And always some oil and salt to go with lunch and dinner.

Art knows that basically salt is one of the worst things to eat, and also that the honey is a pretty good sugar-booster. But when this evening during dinner, his daughter states "Dad, salt is really bad for your health" he frowns and looks her into her eyes.
Normally Art would be willing to recognise his own failure to control this addiction.
But when his daughter brings it up with a tone like 'I-got-it-all-figured-out-and-know-whats-best-for-you' it triggers some goose bumps and allergy rash in his neck. So, the last thing he feels like is confessing his guilt, and he thinks of how to tackle this 'attack' in an adequate way.

He thought of different ways of replying:
a) counter attack : pointing out to his daughter that she herself has some very unhealthy patterns, and that one should first look at ones own issues before interfering with other peoples habits. But that would sound a bit sour and ruin the atmosphere at the table.
b) plea guilty, and admit she is right; indeed salt is bad. But this would automatically raise the question: "why don't you stop it, if you know it is bad for you". This would easily create issues, as Art is supposed to be some sort of a role model for his children (like any dad I suppose) and they could use this later as an excuse-why-they-do-not-have-to-follow-his-rules. Pretty dangerous therefore, and maybe a discussion Art should avoid.
c) solve it with a bit of humour, enlarging the issue to huge proportions and to its extreme. This would not invite for further discussion and would sort of push the topic away. Sure, it might be coming back later as a boomerang; his kids are pretty clever, and will raise the topic at a later point in time. But for now maybe the best thing to do.

In general Art had discovered that his children are getting more confident; things go well at school, they have nice friends and are pretty popular. And although Art Always wanted his children to be confident, he now sometimes observes that they go the other way; they get a sort of winners' behaviour, they lose connection with the ground and go flying.  They feel they have got life all figured out, and they are happy to tell other people again-and-again how they should live their lives.

Art has seen winners' behaviour many times, also with artists and at businesses. Some of the symptoms are:
- not really listening, mainly waiting for the next moment to share some good advice and insights
- providing you advice when you are not asking for it
- relying on a few simple tools or rules to explain all that is wrong in the world
- seeing every success as a confirmation of their great and unique approach
- a talent to mis-interpret other peoples experiences into what they consider be the wrong approach.
And, not without shame, Art needs to admit that he has had some winners' behaviour at some point in his life too. Probably later than his children, because he came out of his youth with some serious self-confidence-issues, and as such it took him quite some years to come to a point where he could manipulate himself to feel confident based on some successes.

So, in the end it is good if kids feel confident enough to show some winners' behaviour, and probably better not to 'crash' their confidence by heavily attacking their premature ideas and their way of expressing those. At the same time keep asking questions and hoping their experience will provide them with gentle corrections that bring them back with both feet on the ground.

Our Art Burshy sincerely wonders if he is the only one facing this type of issues, and mental struggles, and experimental influencing of children. Well, in the end he just feels that doing his best is the maximum he can do. And he decides to ignore the saying he uses himself so often:
'the way to hell is paved with good intentions', also when raising kids.